there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
