i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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