i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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