I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
