I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
