My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
