Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
