i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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