when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
