I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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