you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
