Betty ford says i'm here all night
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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