i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
