OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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