RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
