Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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