This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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