shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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