Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
