"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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