There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
