I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
