if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
