oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
