just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
