I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
