The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
