dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
