Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize