Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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