he puts the penis in happiness.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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