Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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