Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dear god my vagina.
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