I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
