I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
