you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
