I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
