Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dignity is for republicans.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
