my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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