Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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