he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
