omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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