I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
