I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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