I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
