i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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