I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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