I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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