Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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