The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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