the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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