i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
