I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
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He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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