plz talk dirty to me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
