I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
