wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
