i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
