once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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