scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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