i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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