she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
