apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
