Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
