last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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